Loss

Last week, a friend called to tell me of a friend of ours who was in a medically-induced coma, from an accident that left him unconscious, not breathing, and without brain activity. They were going to try to bring him out of it Sunday, but Jake passed. He had just turned 26, but didn't look a day older than when I met him at age 18. He was just as sweet and loving as when we met too. Many people are mourning his passing as I write this.

I wish that I could be there to celebrate Jake's life, in person. I have missed nearly every memorial service that I should have gone to in my life, because of being so far away. It hurts, and I do what I need to do to say goodbye in my own way. The best way, I have found, is to sit and think of the good times we've had, and to imagine them smiling and at their happiest. The tears flow from both happiness and sadness. Sadness because I can't make more memories with them, but mostly for their closest friends and family members who are hurting the most. I would be giving them all tight squeezes right now if I could.

At the farm, Monday afternoons are spent in our personal gardens. Each of us has chosen a garden area that we spend time in, tending it, planting, weeding, contemplating. Mine is the cottage garden, closest to our communal house, which doesn't get much attention during our workdays. But it remains beautiful, with herbs and fruit we like to eat and lights for night time. Today, I went around the farm and chose beautiful pink and white flowers to create a bouquet for Jake. I asked that our group holds our "check out" at my garden, and I said a few words for my friend then. Trying to keep the bouquet from blowing over (again), I talked about Jake's fantastic hair, his brilliant smile, and his kindness. How, even though we haven't spent much time together lately, it doesn't matter. He touched my life and I'll never forget the memories we have. 

Much of my gratitude right now is going to friends and family on Facebook, who are posting memories and wishes to Jake for all of us to read. I re-posted a favorite photo of him, sleeping happily in a cuddle puddle of us girls at Burning Man. I remember that morning, he stayed up all night and fell alseep there, and we were up and hanging out all cuddled in with him. It was just the memory he would have liked, but probably more so if he were awake with the bunch of us cute girls! There have been a lot of great pictures and stories posted. I read one post aloud today to the group, and I am copying it here. It is beautifully written and sums Jake up well. Here it is. Thanks for reading, and please enjoy some old memories yourself today.

“I see myself as a huge fiery comet, a shooting star. Everyone stops, points up and gasps "Oh look at that!" Then- whoosh, and I'm gone...and they'll never see anything like it ever again... and they won't be able to forget me- ever.”

-Jim Morrison

The first time I walked into Lucky Lou’s about two years ago, I was just looking to get a few beers with some friends. It was mid-October, and Lou’s was one of a handful of bars that offered patio seating to enjoy the colder weather, plus they had some cheap drinks. I never expected to meet someone like Jake that day. But, I guess you can never really expect to meet someone like Jake, at all.

I always felt around Jake, like I could put my guard down. Lower my shoulders a bit, quit biting my nails. I remember how he would sit down at our table in the middle of a shift, light up one of his long cigarettes in that creamy white holder he always used, and ask me or a friend, “How’s life?”

For most people, it’s not worth answering. They don’t really care. Even our friends only want to hear the interesting bits of our lives. But Jake wanted to know. He wanted to help. Because it meant something to him, to see people smile. It empowered him. Helping others helped to ease his own pain. That kind of humanity is not unheard of, but Jake took it to another level. He specialized in helping the people he loved, and he loved a whole lot of people.

Every day, we try again and again to be happy, or at the very least, to reach a certain level of contentedness that we’ve grown familiar with. Jake seemed to understand this more than anyone I knew. He could look into your eyes and sense your pain, and he would try to do something for you. Be it a drink, a job offer, a hug, a lifestyle or hobby recommendation, or in my case, a loud blasting of “The Ghost Inside” by Broken Bells over the bar stereo. Jake would do just one thing that would make someone smile, because he understood the importance of smiling. And he would do this hundreds of times, day and again, for just about anyone (especially if you tipped well.)

We talk a lot about our biggest fears, about what brings us the most pain. For me, it’s the idea that I will be forgotten. That my life will be meaningless, because I failed to make an impression on this earth and on other people's lives. But this is where I think Jake has inarguably set the standard. He has given so many of us a piece of his heart. He truly lived for others. Not only did he help to give me one of the best nights of my life, doing a pub crawl in Phoenix, but he has continually inspired me to be a good person. To never give up on finding happiness, to never give up on trying to make others happy. It is a constant battle throughout our lives. We can only hope that in the end it was worth the fight.

Jake made the fight a little easier for all of us.

I just wish he were here to see that.

(Benjamin Sohr)

Adventures in Maui!

I've just finished up the first week of life at Hale Akua. Actually it's Monday, so week two has started. Actually actually, it's almost Friday and I haven't posted this yet. But I digress. Already we have had some really great little adventures in the sea and on the farm, and are starting to plan a camping/hiking adventure for next weekend, when one of the girls has her birthday.

Our weeks consist of working different jobs on the farm and it changes depending on weather and what's needed. So far, we have tilled and planted rows of crops (kale and pak choy last week), weeded beds, cared for chickens, and harvested vegetables for the farmer's market and other clients around the area. Today we weeded, then in the afternoon we each picked a garden area to have for ourselves for a weekly sort of personal time in our gardens. I picked half of the largest garden & the seedhouse, which are right outside of my hut. I weeded endless weeds and tidied up the pathways to my hut. I found a little garden right outside my hut that I hadn't even noticed because of all the weeds! Someone before me had planted aloe and some other decorative plants there. It was nice to uncover them and have more beauty around my home. Found some solar garden lights in the weeds too. The weeds grow that fast, you literally lose things in it. I also did chicken duty today, which we will have twice during our sessions. I had to clean out their watering bowls, feed them, take eggs, and make sure their nesting boxes are clean and full of hay. I'll do this all week and into the weekend, then get Monday off of work. 

Over the weekend, we had some great beach time! My friend Erica took a few of us to the beach on Saturday, where we met up with another friend of hers and then went to a little pool party. It was fun, but it drizzled on us most of the day. Sunday was even better - one of the guys who manage the farm (Elan) took us on a very muddy and thorny hike up and down some little hills and through a cow pasture. We were very pleasantly surprised, after cutting up our shins and dodging cow pies, to look out over cliffs to the sea. We climbed down a steep and dangerous cliff side of rocks and vines, hanging onto stiff cables and stepping down crumbling wood steps held in the ground with rebar stakes that stuck out past the wood and could scrape your ankles. At the bottom was a rocky shore with tide pools. Huge lava rocks held the pools safe from big waves that crashed in and splashed us in the pools. The pools were full of life - corals, reef fish, crabs, and shellfish, all living in these tiny little environments and we got to swim around in it. I wished I'd brought my snorkel! Instead I crouched on rocks, staring into the water. It's cool to see fish in the wild that we had in our tanks at the shop. Such a beautiful place, and it was so off the beaten path, nobody else showed up and it would have surprised us if anyone had. Afterward, we went to a beach on the west side of the island, where it's actually really dry. We were on Launiupoko Beach Park, where you can watch the sunset over Lana'i. We played Farkle (most of the girls on the farm and our two farm managers, Jonathan and Elan, and some of their friends). Then another friend of theirs made us all an amazing curry dinner and I promptly passed out on the couch. What a great weekend!

Really hoping that we do get to camp this weekend, because we're talking about doing the crater hike in the middle of the island and everybody says it's unbelievably beautiful. Fingers crossed!

My hut and the jungle around it. At night, the tin roof facilitates a few happenings that wake me, like the rats running around or the rain hitting it. Also, there's a malabar chestnut tree nearby whose seeds open with a loud crack when ripe. Between that and the heebie jeebies I get from all the spiders and centipedes, my sleep hasn't been the greatest. I can't complain much though, waking up to this beauty.

Vice Chancellor Pomeroy, one of our farm cats that I like to feed and pet in the mornings while I make breakfast (sitting on the speaker, such a wonderful item to have around).

Mango, the rat killer kitty! There are way too many rats on this farm. They run laps and have bar fights on the roof of my hut.

A centipede I found in the sink drain. One of the only beings we should fear here, it's got a nasty bite.

A cane spider - huge gnarly beasts! Not aggressive, thankfully!

A guard frog. Just kidding - when we walk around at night with our headlamps, the frogs freeze in the light and you have to avoid stepping on them!

Turmeric flowers I salvaged from our harvest. We grow lots of this fantastic root.

Me and Erica, up in her loft.

One of my friends took this picture and Amber paired it with my favorite Disney princess, for the sake of silliness! This was as I was on a rock in front of a blow hole, where the waves crash up through a hole in the lava rocks with quite a bit of force. There are blowholes all over Hawaiian shores.

Elan (a farm manager), Dani, Jenny, me, and Lauren, on a beach day. We're just missing Alana and Erica, and the other manager, Jonathan.

To the beach!

Jonathan's dog, Butters, driving us to the beach.

Jenn, me, and Lauren riding in the back of the truck - beach time!

There's a sunset going on behind this mountain. I am in love with the clouds here, and the way you can drive around the island and see different weather happening in different places. Much of Maui is extremely wet, but also really sunny and even has a desert.

Elan and Jenny, enjoying some kava (tea) before a little potluck to welcome us to the farm.

Grant (who cooked us curry) and our beautiful star fruit.

 My decorated mask for chicken coop cleaning.

Sunset over Lana'i

The cliff we had to climb down to get to the tide pools.

Elan leading us down to the tide pools, with Jenny and I in the background, very excited to get down there!

Tide pools

The waves crashed over the rocks in massive bursts of water, it was amazing there!

A view towards the waterfall, dripping over from the pastures above. It had rained a lot.

Hale Akua Garden Farm

I had a weekend when I got there, so we did a few fun things before the workweek started. The two friends I know here were gone and one intern hadn't come yet, so it was just four interns and Elan, who manages the farm with Jonathan. Saturday it mostly rained, so we sat in the lana'i (porch) of our cottage and played games (mainly Cards Against Humanity) and got to know each other a bit. It rained hard all that night and I slept terribly, imagining that the spiders I was seeing in the common areas were probably seeking shelter in my hut. My hut, by the way, is a raised wood deck with screen walls and a corrugated metal roof. Inside I have a bed with a mosquito net and some basic furniture. Soon I'll have a couple of plastic bins to keep my clothes in, which will help keep the mold down. 

Sunday, Elan drove us to Secret Beach on the southwest part of the island and we all burnt to a crisp and got pummeled in waves. Had some pretty funny moments seeing people who were floating around get hit by huge waves that would just sneak up on you! One of the girls lost her bracelet and decided to snorkel around looking for it and ended up seeing a big sea turtle. I didn't have her luck. We also drove down to the southern tip of the island and saw the last lava flow from 200 years ago, pretty much all broken up rubble now. The coast is really pretty there, we walked around a bit and enjoyed the view. We were so wiped after the day, we all slept really well despite the bugs. Oh, saw the centipedes that day for the first time. They're the only thing we really have to worry about biting us. That'll hurt.

Our first workday was a general orientation, going over the schedule and house rules. We also did a little writing and group sharing about where we're at in general, what we want to get out of our experience here, and how we could use each other's help on our journey. It's really cool that they put so much effort into creating a community feeling here. Every morning we'll have a check-in and let each other know how we're doing, before we start our day. Our days will consist of classes on organic farming, tilling the plots, planting, weeding, and harvesting. Saturdays they take the harvest to the farmer's market to sell. We don't have to do that, but we can if we want to. This weekend, we're talking about going camping. That will probably involve more swimming, and hopefully snorkeling too. I think this place will keep me busier than I expected, but it'll still be nice and relaxing.

Day two, I awoke again to rats on my roof (brawling I think), and we started the day with a class on soil composition and cultivation. The rest of the day was hands-on training of tilling two rows of weedy garden and planting little seedlings of kale and bok choy. I'm excited to see them grow, as the rows are right outside of my hut. They're in the largest garden plot of the four that we'll be working. The plots are very weedy, and we'll spend a lot of time managing that. After we finished planting and cleaned up the tools, we hiked down the property to a beautiful and huge waterfall. We jumped in the pool before the falls and swam to the edge and just hung out, enjoying the view. Then finally a bit of down time to write this and do laundry. Later we're going to pile into Jonathan's room and watch Lilo and Stitch. Oh and my friend Erica arrived after her little vacation today! Lots of hugs and silliness occurred, of course. Feeling very relaxed and happy right now.

Our cottage kitchen (and one of three fridges)

The cottage door, complete with farm kitty (Vice Chancellor Pomeroy), pulley and rock to keep the door shut, and beekeeper's coveralls.

Just outside the cottage, our fire pit and a few garden plots.

The packing shed.

Walkway over a coy pond and into the Villa, one of the nice guest houses right next to Jonathan's house.

Tables of seedlings and the area I walk past every time I want to go to my hut. This is right in front of the largest garden, Grace Garden.

My hut! I really need to weed wack around this thing. In front of it is a mulberry tree that I walk under to get to my door and it's always got ripe berries to snack on.

View of Grace Garden from outside my hut.

One of the water cisterns that give us our water. We have filters for drinking water.

Our cottage (common house), with kitchen, lana'i (porch), common room and Erica's room (the loft).

There are chickens and also ducks on the farm. The chickens are only for egg laying and the ducks were rescues, maybe they'll have good meat for Christmas.

There are a lot of apple banana trees on the farm. They're small, fat bananas and very sweet.

The walkway up to the nicest house on the property for people to rent out called the Jasmine. It's got an incredible ocean view from its deck. There are several areas on the property to see the ocean from though.

Deck with hot tub and sauna and ocean view (that we can use!)

The cabana house (LOVE the color), where Elan lives and there are guest rooms as well. It has a salt water pool (that we can use too!) and more coy ponds with brilliant purple lotus flowers. Tilapia too and the ponds feed a hydroponic bed with turmeric and basil.

Chickens hanging under their new barn building. They really just built it to get more rooftop space for solar panels.

A partially tilled bed. Still needs to have compost added and mixed in, then to be raked and tamped into a nice bed. We ended up planting kale here.

Lauren and Dani spreading compost.

Headed to Hawai'i

I'd been meaning to travel again for a while, and when conditions at work weren't as good and after a conversation about traveling when you're older and have more health considerations, I decided it was a good time to venture out again. In April, my friend Amber and I went to Oahu and loved it, so I figured I would start in Hawaii. Helps that I have a friend on Maui who manages an organic garden farm!

Waiting in the Honolulu airport for my flight to Maui, I'm listening to ukelele music through the loudspeakers and watching the sun set over the Hawaiian Airlines hangar. Flying to Hawaii is the really the greatest. The mood on the plane is one of happiness and excitement, and necks crane as we fly over volcanoes both extinct and active. 

The humpbacks have just come back, and seeing them is one thing I've been looking forward to. Soon I'll see them every day from the farm and be able to hear them singing when I put my head underwater. I'm also looking forward to watching big waves, snorkeling, and falling asleep to the sound of wind through the leaves. On the farm, I'm looking forward to the possibilities of learning beekeeping, and now bio-char, as an expert on it will be coming to the farm to work with us! I made a couple of bio-char burners for a group in Phoenix a couple of years ago, but I didn't get much feedback on them. Bio-char is charcoal that we make from plant matter and mix into the soil because it's pure carbon and it holds water well. The bio-mass needs to be burned from the top down to retain most of the carbon and prevent it from simply turning into ash, and that's done in an enclosed burner with a chimney and controlled air flow. It's possible that I will use my fabrication skills to make a bio-char burner for the farm.

Another thing that has me stoked to be here is that a friend I met at Burning Man in 2014 manages the farm. His name is Jonathan, or Wonton. We get along well (which means he's totally weird too), and I'm excited to be weird with him. Amazingly, another friend is also here, one of the first volunteer friends I met in Peru! Her name is Erica, and she's weird too. I'm sure the three of us are going to laugh a lot!

Leaving Phoenix this time was so strange. I've never had nearly this much stuff to get rid of! It happened slowly at first (planning stages felt like an eternity), but then suddenly I was scrambling to get everything done and I'm still shocked that I've left. I didn't get to spend time with a few dear friends that I will miss, but the last week of dinners and outings for drinks was incredible and left me feeling immeasurable gratitude toward my Arizona family. They have been there for me through so much over the several years and did it again this time (esp Panther, Amber, Ruvi, and all of my amazing neighborhood friends). We had a little going-away party last weekend at Kurt's house and even though I was totally pooped after holding a successful yard sale, it was just what I needed and we had a blast. A friend even came from California to surprise me! I'm stupid lucky.

Another amazing thing is that I'm in such an emotionally healthy and happy place right now. A year ago I was struggling with the worst depression I've ever had. Even just a few months ago I was in a funk. I did what I needed to do to get out of it, including going completely sober for lent, seeing a therapist, and also taking an online class about happiness-improving habits & actions. Things really started to turn around when I resigned from a very stressful project management position at work and went back to welding. Sometimes you just need to work with your hands and feel flow (with great tunes piping through your headphones), and to get some appreciation for work with physical results. Not that what I was doing wasn't helpful, but I'm sure you get the idea. Now, I feel the confidence I was lacking. I can look in the mirror and smile at myself, knowing that I'm rocking at life and doing what makes me happy. I'm feeling more patient and I'm learning to assert my needs tactfully and with love. I'm back to being friendly and talkative. I sing out loud and dance sometimes too. I don't care who sees, Happy Heather is back and I'm not giving this up!